Long time no blog?

It has been forever since I've posted anything... so naturally I have a lot to catch up on... not gonna lie, a lot of it is negative... but some is positive?

Start with positive. I LOVE school. School has always been alright for me, but this semester I LOVE it!!! I have amazing classes, amazing teachers, amazing opportunities, and I'm actually making some friends!!! I'm going to Florida for the conference in a few weeks!!! I'm pretty stoked about it! I've been blessed in a lot of ways so far.

My favorite class is my Child Welfare class. It makes me SOOO excited to work in child welfare!!! It's amazing. I also really like my hip hop class!!! I love to dance... I may not be very good at it... but I love to do it! It's kind of hard though because all the other dancers are actual dancers. I took a dance class in like 5th grade... then I did cheer for a few years and we did some dances... then I took hip hop 1. I'm definitely not a dancer. All the other people have been dancing since they were like babies. I feel really inferior compared to them. Dance wise anyway. My teacher is super awesome!

Next comes work. First off, let me say that I LOVE the girls I work with. The only people I don't love are my new managers. They aren't very nice, and they hate me. They don't give me very many hours to work (which is kind of nice in the fact that I don't have to be around them... but it sucks that I'm not making much money). I really don't know what I would do with out my awesome DEB girls though. They're there for me through anything. It's so nice. I love them all to death!!! I do need a new job though. I'm definitely looking.

Last post I mentioned I'm primary pianist. I used to like it... once upon a time. Now I don't. I'm kind of shunned to the corner all by myself. It makes me feel lonely. I have an awesome institute class though!!! I actually already knew a guy in my institute class! That has made it easier to make other friends. My teacher is super awesome too!!!

A lot of other stuff has happened too! Bandit turned 3! Or 4! I don't know because we weren't sure his exact age when we adopted him. My whole family loves Bandit. He's so cute, and cuddly, and super funny!!! I've taught him all sorts of awesome tricks!!! He can sit, lay down, roll over, jump, shake, high five, high ten, and play dead when I say "Bang bang!!!" So talented!

I've been able to make a lot of progress in the healing process. I don't hate anyone anymore... that's HUGE for me. I'm still working on being ok... It's coming along, but naturally there always have to be some road blocks. Divorce is actually a lot more common than people think! I already have like 5 friends that are my age that are divorced. It's INSANE. I need to go to bed. I'll update again soon... hopefully with more exciting stuff... and pictures! Pictures are always good!!!

Life is Good!

Life is good! I'm very happy with where I'm at right now... well for the most part anyway! I'm back in school, and I love it! I changed my bachelors degree to be an emphasis in family studies. I'll hopefully graduate in the fall of next year. My plan is to work for DCFS, and try to get into their master's program at the U to get my master's degree in social work. My ULTIMATE goal someday before I die is to start a shelter for victims of abuse using pet therapy! I love pets and working with victims of abuse, so I feel like that would be the most perfect job in the world for me!!!

Besides school, I usually like my job. I work at a clothing store. It of course comes with some drama- that's what you get when you work with all girls, but for the most part there's not much drama. It's fun to ring customers up and get to talk to such a wide range of people. There are of course the annoying customers, the rude customers, but then there are the super awesome customers which make up for all the bad ones!

I'm starting to work out pretty much everyday. I actually really enjoy it. I'm going to get back in shape! I like running and doing zumba. There's also a disco work out that is super fun!!! Someday I'm going to do a sprint triathalon! I'm actually running my first 5k in like 3 weeks! I'm super excited, but a little nervous!

I got invited to go to a family studies conference in November in Orlando Florida, so hopefully I'll be doing that. I also got invited to join a research team, and we'd be presenting at the same conference next year, but that one will be in Arizona!!! I feel like since I changed my major I have a lot of opportunities opening up for me. Plus if I ever have the chance to get married again it will help me to be the best wife and mother I can be. Well... hopefully! :D

I'm the pianist in primary. I LOVE it. I love being around all the little kids. Plus the primary presidency and the primary chorister are AWESOME! My home ward is great and I really feel like I'm cared about and that I fit in. My ward has amazing people. Plus, my ward has a lot of people who have been through the same kinds of things I have been through, so it's really nice to have that support.


YAY FOR LIFE!!!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something I have never been very good at. I hold grudges pretty dang well unfortunately. I guess I can be forgiving, but I have to feel like the person is actually sorry. I don't like empty apologies. Something that I have been working on lately is recognizing my faults and apologizing for them. This can be hard because not everyone apologizes back, or they feel like I'm just lying to get something from it, or just going through the routine motions. I don't particularly like it when people hate me, but I can't stand it when I hate people. It's an emotion that just eats you up inside. It's the most unpleasant feeling I've ever had to hate someone. The amazing thing is, when I apologize for my own faults, I develop a love an concern for that person. It may seem artificial to that person, but it's real. I also feel a huge burdon lifted off of my shoulders when I'm truly sincere about it. I just hope that forgiveness for others is something that becomes easier for me because it's the hardest thing for me because I feel like I get stabbed in the back so many times. I will work through this. I won't hate anymore. I don't want to.

Who Says

There's a new song by Selena Gomez that I'm in love with. It makes me feel happy, and I feel like I can relate to it. :) Here are the lyrics.

You made me insecure
Told me I wasn’t good enough
But who are you to judge
When you’re a diamond in the rough
I’m sure you got some things
You’d like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
I wouldn’t want to be anybody else

Na na na Na na na
I’m no beauty queen
I’m just beautiful me
Na na na Na na na
You’ve got every right
To a beautiful life C'mon

[Chorus]
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful
Who says

It’s such a funny thing
How nothing’s funny when it’s you
You tell ‘em what you mean
But they keep whiting out the truth
It’s like a work of art
That never gets to see the light
Keep you beneath the stars
Won’t let you touch the sky

Na na na Na na na
I’m no beauty queen
I’m just beautiful me
Na na na Na na na
You’ve got every right
To a beautiful life C'mon

[Chorus]
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful

Who says you’re not start potential
Who says you’re not presidential
Who says you can’t be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don’t pass the test
Who says you can’t be the best
Who said, who said
Won’t you tell me who said that Yeah, oh

[Chorus]
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful

Ugh!

I totally forgot how much dating SUCKS!!! I know that I don't need to really date anytime soon, but I want to at least go on dates for fun. I'm not so excited for the heart breaks, and the lies, and the stupid boys. Maybe I'll just be a lesbian. I think that may solve all of my problems. Seriously. Ok not so much. I guess it's just frustrating that potentially, boys won't want to date me just because I'm divorced. My mom told me that would happen. I tell myself I won't want to date those kinds of boys anyway... but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt some.

I was so excited when I got married because I really thought I wouldn't have to suffer through dating again. Going on dates is fun... but relationships suck. I have so many fears about dating, and boys... and the more boys I meet, the more true my fears become. EVERY boyfriend I ever had, minus one, cheated on me. A lot of guys I know have issues with pornography. Other guys judge my appearance, or whether I'll give them enough action, or my insecurities. BAH! I HATE BOYS, AND I HATE DATING! There. I got it off my chest. :)

A New Strength

I finally decided to start a blog... again. Ha ha. A lot of crazy things have been happening in my life, but I guess this is a way to show myself how strong I am.

As many people know now, I am divorced. My marriage lasted a whole 5 months. A lot of people feel it's sad that it only lasted that long. I'm not sad that it was that short because it was a really painful 5 months. It actually feels like one of the longest periods of my life. I am sad that it had to end, but I am so grateful that I felt enough love for myself to know that I deserved to be treated better than that.

I'm sure everyone wants to know details, but that is not something I will share. I may share bits and pieces here and there, but it's not really my place to share with the world what happened. I will say though that the decision to get a divorce was the hardest decision of my life. I love Keith very much, but I also love myself. A lot of people have since said that marriage is hard. I would not quit a marriage just because it was hard. I put a lot of effort into this marriage, and I made sure I did everything I could before calling it quits. I prayed, read my scriptures, went to the temple, got a blessing, spoke with my bishop, all in efforts to decide if divorce really was the right thing, and I got confirmed so many times that in my case it was ok. It's still sad, but I know that I did all I could.

Through all of this I have been surprisingly strong. My senior year I was in a relationship that left me in pieces. Instead of completely withdrawing myself and hiding from the world, I've started to embrace it. I know that what I went through was hard, but I also know that I learned a lot from it, and I have become closer to my Heavenly Father because of it. I have been blessed so much this past month and a half. I have an amazing family that has been welcoming and very supportive. I have a wonderful bishop that has worked hard to make sure I'm ok and doing the things I should. I have incredible friends that have reached out even more rather than pulling away.

I'm doing many things to help myself become the best me I can be, and I want to share them.

1. Pray morning and night.
2. Read my scriptures every day.
3. Write in my journal each night.
4. Study Preach My Gospel. It's a long shot, but there is a possibility I could go on a mission, so I'm preparing for it in case God and I decide that's where I need to be.
5. I'm working out. It's so hard though! I only work out like once a week, so I'm trying to get better at it. I saw a really super awesome quote- “Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of those pieces” I definitely don't have that strength yet... but hopefully I'll get better.
6. I hang out with friends a lot. This is good because I'm not just hiding from everyone, but I'm going out and having fun with people who help lift me up.
7. I took a break this semester for obvious reasons, but I'm working on my education. I'm going to start again summer semester so by the end of fall semester I will be done with my associates degree. Woot woot.

I feel like I'm trying really hard... except in the physical aspect, but I'm working on that... but over all I think I'm doing pretty good.

I'm so grateful for everyone's love and support, especially my family's and my Heavenly Father's. I don't know where I would be with out the gospel in my life. I am truly blessed.